


Safe and Loved

by WolfstarPups90



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Baby Harry, Depression, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, PTSD, Post-First War with Voldemort, wolfstar raising Harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 16:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15392961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfstarPups90/pseuds/WolfstarPups90
Summary: At school this sort of mood was normally triggered by a bad letter from home or an argument with his brother, but since the war it happened seemingly out of nowhere. The healers at St. Mungos had kept Sirius for observation after he had been initially sent to Azkaban for a matter of several weeks until the truth came out about Peter and Sirius was released. They said that PTSD was normal for anyone with involvement in the war, but Sirius - who had always had shoddy mental health to begin with - had witnessed far more than most.





	Safe and Loved

The first thing Remus heard, before he even opened the front door, was the sound of Harry wailing.

Panicked, Remus burst into the flat, wand raised and ready as he rushed through the living room and down the hall to the baby’s room.

“Sirius!?” He called over the child’s screams. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and there was no sign of a struggle. Everything was just as it had been when he had left earlier that morning for his meeting with Dumbledore, but his heart was racing even as he entered the baby’s room and saw Harry, unharmed and in perfect health, standing in his crib and crying. As soon as he saw Remus, he reached out his pudgy little arms and whimpered “Moo!” through his sobs.

Relieved at least that Harry seemed to be perfectly safe, Remus lowered his wand and walked over, lifting the nearly two year old into his arms. “Shh, Harry, it’s alright. Moony’s here, buddy.” He bounced the boy gently, rubbing his back in small circles as he hiccupped and sniffled, resting his little head on Remus’ shoulder. Harry was fine, but that didn’t explain Sirius’ absence. Sirius would never just leave his godson to cry all on his own that way, and so Remus’ anxiety did not settle. “Where’s your Uncle Paddy, eh? Shall we look for him?”

Harry nodded, his face still red and his eyes still wet. “Pa’fuh…”

“Yes, Padfoot.” Remus repeated, kissing the top of his head and turning to leave the room. He held Harry close to his chest, still gripping his wand tightly in his fist as they crossed the hall to Sirius’ bedroom. “I’m sure he’s just sleeping, Harry. Don’t worry.” He whispered, more for his own reassurance than for Harry’s really. He took a deep breath and cracked the door open, slowly peeking his head in, heart thumping hard in his chest. The blinds were closed, leaving the room rather dark and it was eerily quiet.

“Pa’fuh seepin’.” Said Harry, pointing his little finger. Remus followed his gaze, landing on the prone figure on the bed. Sirius was curled up on his side facing away from them. He didn’t budge upon hearing his godson’s voice. Remus licked his lips nervously. Sirius wasn’t exactly a heavy sleeper. He never had been, even when they were in school, but during the war even the smallest sound would have Sirius sitting bolt straight up with his wand out, ready to attack. Since James and Lily died and they had gotten custody of Harry, Sirius would be awake and bolting to to the little boy’s room if he heard so much as a sneeze from his godson.

“Sirius?” Remus tried, approaching the bed slowly. Harry gasped and looked up at him, holding one finger to his lips. “Shhh! Paddy seepin’, Moo!”

“I know, Harry. Paddy has to wake up though, so he can play with you, right?” He carefully balanced Harry on his hip, walking around the bed. He reached out and shook Sirius’ shoulder.

Sirius’ eyes snapped open and Remus let out the breath he was holding. “Godric, Sirius! You scared the shi-” He stopped himself, remembering the toddler in his arms. “The life out of me!”

Sirius blinked slowly at him, but he didn’t respond. Remus frowned, pointing his wand at the window and opening the blinds to let some light in. “Sirius, Harry was screaming when I came in. What were you doing?”

Sirius glanced at Harry and his eyes widened, shame washing over his face. He closed his eyes, turning his face into the pillow. “...I’m sorry, Harry.”

Remus pursed his lips. “Are you drunk? Stoned?”

It wouldn’t be the first time Remus had come home to find Sirius in some state of intoxication. He had gotten into a rather bad habit during the war and directly after James and Lily died, finding that the only way to numb the pain and to get some sleep was to drink a bottle of whiskey and smoke himself into a stupor, but he hadn’t done it since they had managed to get custody of Harry.

Sirius looked back up at him sharply. “N-no! I’m not, I promise, I swear, I just...I…” He curled further into himself. Looking closer Remus could see that his eyes were wet and bloodshot and his hair was stuck to his wet face. His arms were wrapped around himself and his fingernails were digging into the flesh of his biceps. Remus suddenly felt a sharp pang of guilt in his chest as he recognized it for what it was. He had seen Sirius like this many times through their years at school and during the war.

Sirius was normally a very energetic and happy person. He was quick witted, loud and had the most contagious laugh that could make even the most uptight Professors at school crack a smile. However, anyone who knew Sirius knew that there was a darkness that plagued him just beneath the surface, and behind the mischievous, bright silver eyes and the dazzling smile there was a storm just waiting to roll in.

At school this was normally triggered by a bad letter from home or an argument with his brother, but since the war it happened seemingly out of nowhere. The healers at St. Mungos had kept Sirius for observation after he had been initially sent to Azkaban for a matter of several weeks until the truth came out about Peter and Sirius was released. They said that PTSD was normal for anyone with involvement in the war, but Sirius - who had always had shoddy mental health to begin with - had witnessed far more than most. He had been the one to find the bodies of James and Lily, Harry had been taken from him and then he had seen and been framed for a street full of muggles being blown up. All of that on top of his short stay in prison was bound to cause some disturbances. They had given him several potions to take regularly in order to keep his mood stable and his nightmares at bay, but that didn’t mean he was just going to be alright. Stress didn’t help either. There were still followers of Voldemort out there who wished to do harm to Harry and that meant that Sirius and Remus had to be very aware of the security in their flat.

The cherry on top was that their relationship still wasn’t what it once had been. They hadn’t even been living together anymore when the Potters died and Sirius was arrested, and they had both said and done some terrible things to each other in the process, but they had decided to put the past behind them when Sirius won the custody battle for Harry if for no other reason than because James and Lily wanted their son to be raised by both of them.

So for the last six months, they lived together, they took care of Harry together, but they weren’t _together_ anymore. Remus slept in the spare bedroom next to Harry’s and across from Sirius’ and they didn’t talk much about anything that wasn’t related to Harry. It hurt, but it had also hurt to be accused of terrible things by one’s own lover.

Then again, Remus hadn’t jumped to Sirius’ defense either. He had let them drag Sirius to Azkaban even though he knew somewhere in the back of his head that something wasn’t right. Something didn’t fit. In the end it had been Remus’ confession at the witness stand during Sirius’ trial that he knew Peter Pettigrew was an animagus that had sealed Sirius’ innocence and started the Ministry wide search for the real traitor.

Biting his lip, Remus bounced Harry a little more, thinking quickly. “Sirius, I’ll be back shortly. Will you be alright on your own? Just for a few minutes, alright? I’ll be right back.”

Sirius nodded his head, looking up at Remus uncertainty. He looked back at Harry and his face scrunched up in anguish. “I’m so sorry, Harry…” He whispered again, returning to hiding in the tear-damp pillow.

Harry tilted his head to the side. “Paddy sad…”

Remus nodded. “Yes, but that’s alright. Everyone gets sad sometimes, Harry. Come on, let’s leave him be.”

He closed the blinds again and left, closing the door to Sirius’ room with a soft click and heading into the living room where he placed Harry down with some toys to distract him while he made a few floo calls.

Less than an hour later, he returned to Sirius’ bedroom.

“Sirius…” He knelt on the edge of the mattress, laying a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “I dropped Harry off with Andy and Ted and Dora for a bit.

Sirius whimpered in response.

Remus sighed sympathetically. “Bad day?” Sirius didn’t answer. “Did you take any of your potions this morning?”

“‘M out.” Sirius muttered guiltily, still facing away from Remus and still curled into a tight ball. “Forgot to get a refill. Bloody stupid. I’m such a fucking idiot-”

“Shhh…” Remus’ hand smoothed down Sirius’ back the same way he had done with Harry earlier. “That’s alright, Sirius. You’ve had a lot on your mind...What happened? It’s not like you to let Harry cry like that-”

“He kept asking for them…” Sirius said. His voice sounded small, shaky. “He woke up from his nap and he kept screaming for his mum and dad and I...I just…” A sob shook through his whole body. “I c-couldn’t deal with it and I...I just left him in there and I came in here and I.. _.Merlin_ , I started screaming for them, too…”

Remus’ heart ached as he watched Sirius’ body convulse as he began to cry silently into the pillow. He kicked off his shoes and climbed fully onto the bed, not giving it a second thought before he curled himself around the other man, wrapping an arm around his middle and pulling him closer. “Shhh...it’s okay, Sirius.”

Sirius tensed at first. It had been quite some time since they had laid like this together, but Remus knew that physical contact was one of the quickest ways to soothe episodes like this in Sirius. “...y-you don’t have t-to-”

“Nonsense.” Remus scoffed, tightening his arm around him. “For Merlin’s sake, I think we’ve passed the point of not being able to stand touching each other. We’re raising a child together.”

Sirius sniffed. “Fuck, I can’t believe I just left him on his own to cry like that...I’m a terrible godfather. I don’t deserve to-”

“Stop. That’s bullshit. Harry loves you and you love him. You’re a wonderful Godfather.”

“He loves me now because he doesn’t know any better. He’ll figure it out some day and he won’t love me anymore. I fuck everything up, Remus. You know that.” Sirius turned his head to look back at him sadly. “...You know that better than anyone.”

Remus rolled his eyes, reaching to brush Sirius’ hair out of his face. “I also know how infuriatingly difficult it is to try not to love you, you prat.”

A heavy silence rang in the air and Sirius stared at him, his eyes searching Remus’ for a moment until Remus cleared his throat and lowered his gaze, feeling too vulnerable and mentally cursing Sirius’ ability to read him so well. Sirius settled back down, snuggling back further against Remus. “Sorry…” He mumbled.

Remus frowned, stroking Sirius’ hair. “For what?”

“Everything.” Said Sirius, sighing heavily. “Just…everything.”

“If you’re sorry, I’m sorry.” Said Remus. “We’re both at fault. We agreed on that when I moved back in. It’s in the past.”

Sirius shrugged. “I’m sorry for this though...today...I’m sorry I’m so useless on days like this...I’m sorry you have to deal with me. I’m sure you have other things to do.”

“I’m sure you had other things you could have been doing all the nights you spent running with a werewolf...and the mornings you spent after, taking care of me...We’re even, Padfoot.”

Sirius shuddered at the nickname. They hardly used them these days for each other unless they were talking to Harry. Remus pulled away briefly, flicking his wand toward the foot of the bed where a soft, fleece throw blanket was neatly folded. It came zooming towards him and he caught it with one hand. It wasn’t cold by any means in the room, but he wrapped the blanket snugly around Sirius, the weight and the soft warmth instantly comforting and made Sirius feel safe. “Thank you…”

“S’okay…” Remus returned his arm to where it had been around Sirius’ waist.

“...I miss them so fucking much, Moony…”

Remus blinked away the wetness in his own eyes, resting his forehead against Sirius’ shoulder. “I miss them, too, Pads…” He took a few calming breaths, wanting to allow Sirius to have his moment and to be strong for him for once. He coughed again. “Do...do you need me to get you anything? What can I do? To help you, I mean…”

Sirius’ hand shot out from his blanket cocoon, wrapping around Remus’ wrist. “Stay…” He said softly. “Just...please? Stay with me...i-it feels better when you…” He pulled Remus’ arm to hold him tighter. “...Sorry.” He said again. “It’s stupid...I know it isn’t what it used to be, but I can pretend, in my head, you know? Just for now...just so I can feel…”

_Loved._

That’s all Sirius wanted when he was low like this. He wanted to feel loved, the way his parents never made him feel. He wanted to feel safe.

Remus kissed his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere.” He promised, and he felt Sirius’ body relax in his arms. After a few moments of silence, Sirius turned around to face him. Remus smiled softly at him. “Hi.”

Sirius returned the smile weakly. “Hi…” He licked his lips and tucked his head under Remus’ neck. “...I miss you too, Moony.”

Remus’ heart skipped, but he continued stroking Sirius’ hair. “I’m here…”

“You know what I mean.”

Remus nodded. “I know…” He pressed his lips to the top of Sirius’ head. “It can’t be what it used to be, Sirius.”

Sirius flinched. “I’m sor-”

Remus shook his head, pulling back just enough so that he could tilt Sirius’ face up with two fingers under his chin. “Shhhh…” He brushed away some tears with his thumb. “It’s can’t be. Things are different now. We’re raising a child together, after all...but you don’t have to pretend, either.”

Sirius blinked at him. “Remus?”

“It’s infuriatingly difficult to try not to love you, Sirius Black.” Remus whispered, repeating the words from before while his thumb brushed over Sirius’ bottom lip. He leaned in and kissed him, softly at first, but then more firmly when Sirius let out a choked sob and began to kiss him back.

They were going to have a lot to talk about if they were going to make this work again, but it would wait. This was more important. Them, together, feeling safe and loved.  


End file.
